When the Divorce Becomes the Weapon: Inside the High-Risk World of Legal Abuse

By Leslii Stevens ERYT500, YACEP, Trauma-Informed Yoga Teacher

The courtroom becomes the new battleground. For many survivors, the abuse never ends—it just changes venues.


They call it a “high-conflict divorce.” or “High-risk divorce.”

Sounds almost cinematic, doesn’t it? Like two exes throwing emotional punches in a courtroom, both equally to blame for the chaos. But in reality, most so-called “high-conflict divorces” aren’t mutual. They’re warzones created and maintained by one person: the abuser who refuses to let go.


Behind the scenes of custody hearings and endless court motions, a darker story is playing out, one where the legal system itself becomes the next stage for domestic abuse. It’s called post-separation legal abuse, and for thousands of survivors across the country, it’s the reason freedom never truly comes, even after the relationship ends.


The Courtroom Becomes the New Battleground


When a survivor finally escapes, there’s a moment, however brief, of oxygen. Of possibility. But for abusers, control doesn’t end with the slammed door or the filed restraining order. It just shifts venues.


They weaponize the court system, filing motion after motion, demanding custody hearings, subpoenas, psychological evaluations. It’s not about the children. It’s about domination. It’s about watching their ex bleed out emotionally, financially, and mentally.


“It’s judicial terrorism,” says one survivor advocate. “The abuser uses the court as their new weapon. Every motion is a bullet.”

Each motion, each subpoena, each court date — another weapon in the abuser’s arsenal.


These cases drag on for years, sometimes decades. Survivors show up in court with trembling hands, clutching the paperwork they can barely afford to print. They’ve lost jobs from missed days in hearings. Some are drowning in attorney’s fees, while their abuser gleefully represents themselves, knowing every filing will force another appearance, another day of control.


And too often, judges, mediators, and custody evaluators fall for the act.

The abuser’s greatest role: playing the loving parent while pulling strings behind the scenes.


The Performance of the “Good Parent”


Domestic abusers are often the best actors in the room. They’ve perfected the performance: calm, articulate, maybe a tear at the right moment. They talk about wanting “equal parenting time” and “co-parenting in the children’s best interest.”


Meanwhile, the survivor, exhausted, traumatized, maybe crying, is painted as unstable. Emotional. Uncooperative.


“Courts mistake trauma for drama,” says Dr. Rachel Clements, a psychologist who studies the long-term effects of post-separation abuse. “Survivors look reactive because they are reacting, to years of gaslighting, control, and fear. But the courtroom rewards composure. The abuser knows that.”


In these cases, professionals often label what’s happening as “high-conflict” rather than what it truly is, one-sided abuse continuing through legal channels. The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges has warned for years that these cases are misunderstood. The real conflict is not between two volatile exes; it’s one person relentlessly attacking the other under the cover of “custody.”

Justice shouldn’t be for sale — but for survivors facing legal abuse, it often feels that way.


Financial Strangulation, Again


Abuse doesn’t always look like bruises. Sometimes it looks like bankruptcy.


Survivors often leave relationships already decimated financially, drained bank accounts, ruined credit, no savings. Then comes the legal war: $10,000 retainers, unpaid child support, emergency hearings that require days off work.


One woman told me, she sold her wedding ring to pay for transcripts from a hearing she never wanted to attend. Another said she’s been in court 42 times in six years, and every time, her abuser “found a new reason” to pull her back in.


“The system doesn’t see it,” she said. “They think it’s a dispute. It’s not. It’s his way of keeping me trapped.”


Parental Alienation: The Abuser’s Trump Card


When all else fails, abusers reach for the nuclear option: “parental alienation.”


Coined decades ago and long criticized by psychologists and domestic violence experts, the theory suggests that one parent “poisons” the children against the other. It’s a perfect strategy for an abuser, accuse the protective parent of alienation, and suddenly the narrative flips.


The parent who’s trying to shield their kids from harm becomes the villain.


Judges, often unfamiliar with the dynamics of coercive control, can fall right into the trap. “It’s a form of gaslighting on a judicial scale,” says Campbell, a legal advocate who trains family court judges on domestic violence awareness. “The abuser flips the script so convincingly that the court ends up punishing the protective parent.”


The Toll on Survivors and Their Kids


The psychological impact of this prolonged warfare is staggering. Survivors describe constant hypervigilance, waiting for the next email, the next filing, the next ambush.

Children caught in the middle develop anxiety, nightmares, and trust issues that follow them for life.


“It’s not just the abuser who’s litigating,” says Dr. Clements. “It’s the trauma itself that’s showing up in court over and over.”

She left to be free. The system brought her back.


Judges, Listen Up


Experts and advocates are begging the courts to evolve, to recognize legal abuse as an extension of domestic violence. Campbell’s recommendations are blunt and necessary:


1. Hold abusers accountable immediately. One missed payment or violation? Contempt. No more leniency.



2. Educate judges and mediators about abuser profiles and coercive control.



3. Sanction frivolous filings. If it’s not about the child’s safety or genuine welfare, dismiss it.



4. Reduce forced contact. Limit shared drop-offs, shared apps, and anything that keeps survivors tethered.




These aren’t radical ideas, they’re survival mechanisms.


It’s Not High-Conflict. It’s High-Risk.


We have to stop calling this “high-conflict divorce.” Conflict implies two sides. What we’re seeing is one side waging war while the other is just trying to heal.


When judges mislabel abuse as mutual dysfunction, they hand abusers the very tools they crave: power, proximity, and punishment.


Domestic abuse doesn’t end when the relationship does. For too many survivors, the courtroom becomes the new front line.


Until the system starts seeing these cases for what they are, legalized stalking, coercion, and control, the cycle of abuse will continue, one motion at a time.



If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse or post-separation legal abuse, help is available.

 National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788.

The goal isn’t to win — it’s to survive.